A Time To Be Honest

Hi all. Well, it has been a long time since I have written a blog post, especially a personal one. If I am going to be completely honest with you all, I haven’t written anything because I haven’t wanted to. Things have been SO hard here and I was afraid to be completely raw with everyone. I feel like now is the time for me to come clean with where we are, specifically where I am in this season. Be warned, this post isn’t going to be full of happy stuff, although there is plenty of that too. I am writing this to share my heart and my mind during this season of change and transition. I am planning on writing several posts since there is too much to express for just one entry.

We moved here almost ten months ago. We knew things would be challenging, for sure, but we didn’t know to what extent. At first, it was pretty nice. Kinda like a mountain vacation. Matt didn’t officially start his job until October 1st, so before that we had him around (even if he was working) and he helped with unpacking our stuff, getting the storage unit all organized, and basic daily life. We always love having him around, so I felt quite spoiled seeing him so often. We knew that would change, and change is hard. I tried to prepare myself for his new position as much as possible. It would be different than the demands he had known in Georgia at the start up company, but we knew that. Just because you know something doesn’t mean that it really penetrates you…and such was the case for this move. I knew I would have no friends, no church home, that we’d be renting a small place, and Matt would be gone a lot more. I just didn’t fully understand how this was going to weigh on me.

We did find a church, and that was helpful. Still, it isn’t a large church and getting involved isn’t quite as simple as is sounds. I put myself out there a lot, but nothing was really panning out. I kept telling myself that this must be part of God’s plan for me right now, to be isolated and to seek Him. So I did just that. I had to. I still have to. We did get settled in a groove here, but it wasn’t like anything I had in Georgia. Our rental home is literally on the side of a mountain. I was so accustom to having some of my closest friends just a few houses down, or just a few minutes drive away. Having no community here made it very hard on our family, and especially hard on me.

We were in the process of trying to sell our home and running back and forth between Georgia and North Carolina quite often. That pulled at my heart strings a lot. I would see our beautiful home, all empty, where we brought home our girls from the hospital. Where Haley learned to tie her shoes. Where Matt and I would decorate for Christmas. It was a special place for us, and each trip to get the house in selling condition left my heart a little more broken. Seeing friends for a quick visit here and there was wonderful and meaningful just as much as it was confusing for me and hard. We found out we were pregnant just before we closed on the sale of our Georgia home. We weren’t exactly planning on getting pregnant, although we definitely wanted more children. I was overjoyed with the positive test, as was Matt. We were thrilled to share this news with friends and family. Yet, we still had to face the facts that we were/are living in a small home that is a little too tight for us right now, let alone for a new baby. We also didn’t have the support in North Carolina like we did in Georgia, so you can imagine how it stressed us out a bit to think of expanding our family here. Regardless of the circumstances, nothing made us more excited and happy that having a baby. We were/are so excited about this sweet child and see this as the greatest gift right now!

Our house sold in December and we immediately started looking for land in January. Oh, and we bought a van. Love my van. It’s totally the best thing ever, thanks to Matthew who went WAY out of his way to get our family an amazing vehicle. So, we would pile all 5 of us in the van and hunt for land. We were warned that finding land would be hard. Really hard. Again, just because you are informed of something doesn’t mean it really hits you…and such was the case with land. We looked, and looked, and looked. I could write an entire post just about land, but I wont. Just know that this process has been extremely hard and equally frustrating. We moved here with a certain lifestyle in mind and we don’t want to settle for the wrong piece of land just because it has been challenging. So, we keep looking… At one point we thought we found the right piece, and we even went under contract. It took a little bit of time, but it was revealed to us that this was not the right parcel for us. What a let down!

So, it’s time to be honest. If you are one of my closest friends then you already know how things are going for me. For everyone else, I will make it as simple as I can. Things just plain old stink here. Nothing, and I mean n-o-t-h-i-n-g has been easy. I miss Georgia dearly. I literally have to make a decision every day not to dwell on the life we had. What I choose to dwell on are God’s promises for us here. He made it clear that this is what He wanted for us. So, we are walking in obedience. We listened to God, and we are here. We are waiting on God to show us what He wants for us. I trust God, really I do. He has taught me SO much in the last 10 months. Lessons I would not have learned had we stayed in Georgia. Even so, life is just hard here. I miss my friends, my old house, my life of convenience, my photography business, and so much more. God clearly wanted/wants to strip me of my security so I would turn to Him. And I have.

Let me let you in on a little secret. God knows the desires of my heart. He knows/knew I wanted to know Him more intimately. That for years I wanted to be in God’s word, to memorize it, to study it. That I wanted to have a more fruitful prayer life. He brought me here to make me into the woman I have always wanted to be, and untimely the woman He desires for me to be. This process isn’t easy, and it isn’t painless. As a matter of fact, it is quite messy and ugly at times. I am delighted to say that over the past ten months, God has been doing such an awesome work in my life. I have had nothing but Him to rely on, to depend on, to lean on, to cling to, to long for, and to wholeheartedly trust. Want to know another secret? For years I have struggled with being in control, wanting to control my life, my circumstances, and ultimately others. This is something that I first realized and started working through about five years ago. As the years have passed, God has put me more and more on the path of being out of control. Yes, you read that right. Pray for patience and God gives you opportunities to be patient. Pray for help with letting go of wanting to control and what does God do? He strips you of everything you once held dear and brings you to a place where you can trust only Him. And I do trust Him. What a testimony of how much God has worked and is working in my life!

I am going to say it again, NOTHING has been easy here. We’ve been riddled with sickness, we live in a rental home that I really (and I mean r-e-a-l-l-y) do not like. I might even go as far as to say I loath it. Carpet everywhere. Brown walls. Brown carpet. Brown water. Wait, what? Yeah the water is a mess. It is so gross and we are literally bathing and washing our clothes in it. Yuck. Anyway, making friends is pretty hard when you live on a mountain, you are taking care of three kids, AND you are pregnant. We want to build a house here, but finding land is hard. One thing I know for sure, the enemy has a plan for our lives and so does my heavenly father. As a Christian, I believe any time it seems you are being constantly attacked, it must mean you are doing something right. God wants nothing more for us than to endure and learn all He has to teach us during these difficulties (even if there are times we have a hard time seeing what exactly He is teaching us). The enemy wants nothing more for us then to give up, say this is too hard, and stop looking for God to show up in impossible situations.

Well friends, we are not giving up. We are looking for God, and He keeps showing up.

stay tuned for my next post… I’ll be sharing some big news.