I sit here writing this blog, again, not knowing who will read this. I am writing this particular post on a really bad day for me. It has been one I wanted to write for years now and seems to have come to a breaking point today.
Just in the last 24 hours, I have been yelled and and verbally attacked by two strangers. I also side swiped a car when pulling into a space when I was running some errands with the kids. Oh, and a large box of la croix burst open in my grocery cart getting all of my groceries wet along with myself and the floor at ALDI. Not to mention the fights my kids have had with one another (scratching, pushing and even biting). Now, you have a peek into where I am at right now with self esteem and parenting skills. Not the greatest place. Here is my rant folks…
We need to do better as a society. We are living in a world where we are divided by skin color, political party, gender, job, house, monetary status and about a thousand other categories. I know this is not heaven and we will never live in total peace, equality, and unity on all accounts. It just isn’t possible. Even so, we can do better.
Take yesterday for an example. I was on my way to the gym when I apparently blew through a stop sign. **Side note: I did not blow through the stop sign but I probably didn’t come to a complete stop. More of a rolling stop. My fault? Yes. Am I proud of it? No. Will I likely do it again? Duh! I am human and I make mistakes.** Now, back to the story. A woman approached my car when I was unloading my kiddos. She got in my face and said some wretched things. I did not defend myself. I apologized. I started to say how I am doing my best and I make mistakes, but this woman would not let it go. She would not hear me. Instead, she shamed me, called me a bad mom, told me I need to do better and she pointed an accusing finger right in my face. A man approached, and I started to think, “Thank goodness. Someone is hearing how this woman is treating me and they will help me.” Well, this man was her husband. He also got in my face (blocked me from getting around my car) and yelled at me. He also shamed me, told me I made a huge mistake, and pointed a finger at me. I told the couple I am doing my best, but I make mistakes, and I don’t appreciate their criticism. They looked at me with more anger and continued to reprimand me. They said some awful things to me. People, this went on for like three minutes but it felt like an eternity. I told the kids to get back in the car and that we were going home. I began to shake and I felt sick to my stomach. Then, the tears came and they didn’t stop either.
Can I let you in on a little piece of my life? Here it is… The things those strangers said to me hurt. The things those stranger said to me, I have heard before. In fact, I have told those same things to myself. I have hard days where I feel like I am a bad mom. Days where I think I am not trying hard enough and I have to do better. I have days and moments where I feel like I am failing and I don’t understand what is wrong with me. I spent the rest of the day feeling like a failure and crying on and off. Right now, I do not feel like I can go back to the gym, a place that is supposed to be a safe haven for me. I have replayed what those people said to me over and over in my head. It still hurts and it probably will for a while.
Here is what they don’t know. Here is what they don’t see. I am a work in progress. Nobody, and I mean nobody but Jesus, is perfect. We all fall. We all fail. We don’t need strangers to tell us that. How about a word of encouragement? How about someone ask to help a girl out? You see me. The mother of three, struggling to get her kids in the car. Doing her best to make it through the grocery store without one of the kids having a melt down. What you don’t see is the hour and a half it took to get everyone dressed, fed, and orderly before we left the house for a class at the gym. A class I am taking for the first time in hopes to do something for myself. An effort to stay healthy and in shape. One snap shot of me at a stop sign does not define if I am a good mom or not.
You don’t know that I have spent the last two weeks preparing for our upcoming homeschool year. Researching and reading an insane amount. Why? Because I am trying to be a good mom. I don’t have family around to help me out when we have bad days. Matt and I only get to go on a date if we pay a babysitter, mind you we are paying for three kids. I also have been giving my best to meal planning for the last year. What is meal planning? Literally planning every meal for the week and organizing what we have in our fridge and pantry so we don’t waste food or go over our grocery budget. Last week, I met with two different people to become more diligent with our finances. I don’t know the last time I went to bed before 11:30pm or got to sleep past 6:15am. I also do about 10 loads of laundry a week. I change countless diapers, wash endless dishes, make three meals a day for a family of 5, and the list goes on.
I AM A MOM. THIS IS MY JOB. I AM DOING MY BEST.
I want to encourage anyone who is struggling with self doubt, unhealthy self talk, or has experienced anything like I did yesterday. You are allowed to make mistakes. Nobody should make it their mission to shame you, bully you, or reprimand you. If I could go back, I wouldn’t change the way I behaved. I remained calm and respectful even though I was being attacked. In my mind, I have thought of a few ugly things I could have said (this always happens to be after the fact haha). That would not have helped though! Some people are just ugly, upset, mean, and have been hurt by this world. That is the truth in all of this. That couple had so much hatred and arrogance. I never want to be like that! Even so, I have thought about them a lot. I don’t know what demons they are facing or what this life has brought them, but I can imagine they have experienced their fair share of pain. Are they dealing with it in a healthy way? No. Do they deserve my forgiveness? Yes. Yes, they do. So, to the man and woman who treated me with such disrespect yesterday, I forgive you. You may not be sorry, but I am sorry for you. You don’t know the woman you wrecked, but God does. God loves this broken messed up woman who is doing her best. You know what? God calls me to forgive you and after prayer and reflection, you are forgiven.
Now, how can we do better? In a world divided in so many different ways, we can try our best to do well with what we have in front of us. Tell that clerk at the dollar store he is doing a great job when you see three customers treat him poorly and he had a smile and great attitude the whole time (this happened to me a few weeks ago). Your words are powerful people. They have the power to uplift or condemn. Give that homeless man a snack when you stop next to him. It may be your kids applesauce pouch for later, but in my experience, homeless people are usually grateful beyond words for anything you can give. Bring your neighbors a six pack. Or some cookies. Open that door for the elderly woman and then ask her how her day is going. Smile at the family at chick-fil-a and stop to talk to them when they ask about your family. Reach out to that person you know is having a hard time. Pray for that stranger.
I don’t know what you can be doing where you are, but I believe in us. I believe in all of us. Even if our skin color isn’t the same, we live in different parts of the same town, our religious beliefs differ, we didn’t vote for the same person, or if you don’t think we could ever be friends… Let’s be for each other. Let’s be kind. Let’s be friendly! Let’s use our words to encourage and build up, not condemn and put to shame. I have three beautiful girls, and if nothing more, I pray I can raise my children to love everyone. Everyone! God has never created a person He didn’t love deeply. He has never created a person who isn’t worth loving or forgiving. Even the worst of us, the worst person you can think of, they are still worth something to God! I believe that! I hope my children will move mountains and love all of God’s people!
So, I say with tears in my eyes and a heart hurt by the events of yesterday, we can do better. Today, as if I needed a reminder of how imperfect I am, I pulled into a space at T.J. Max and side swiped another mini van. I was so embarrassed and so upset with myself. What happened yesterday amplified this. I waited until the woman came out of the store, had my insurance information in hand, and apologized over and over. This woman was not mad or mean. She saw what happened and she told me, “We all make mistakes! It is okay! I am so sorry I parked crooked. That didn’t make it easy for you to pull in.” This woman was FOR ME. She had every right to treat me with anger. I messed up her car! I made a mistake! Even so, she did not condemn me. She did not shame me. She told me it was okay and she even took part of the blame. Thank you, Jesus, for the woman who showed me grace and forgiveness. I will have to pay for the damages to her car and mine, but God allowed me to see what power words have. I feel quite awful about what happened in the last 24 hours, but it will be okay. It is okay to make mistakes. So, let’s do better, friends. Let’s use our words wisely. They have such power. Let’s be for each other. Even if you don’t want to be my friend, I am going to be friendly with you. I want you to know, you are worth something to my God and that means you are worth something to me. Peace.
