Hey everyone. I am speaking at my local AVL MOPS on Tuesday and I have written an outline I decided to share. This outline discusses topics I am really passionate about and some of my closest friends are unable to attend. I wanted them (and you) to be ale to read my insight. Some of this may seem out of context as the women I am speaking to will be watching a video right beforehand and I reference that a few times.
Enjoy, and if you make it to the end, great job because this is a looooooooong post!
Hi, my name is Lindsay. Some of you may know me from MOPS and others may not. My first meeting was a January one two years ago. My family and I moved here from Atlanta two and a half years ago and my life before we moved was very different than the life I am leading today.
Some words that may have been used to describe me over the years are: Perfectionist, Controlling, Anxious, A People Pleaser, Not Satisfied, Overachiever, Busy, Drained and so on.
When we moved here I had very different vision for my life. I thought I would be moving to Asheville to start a new way of living. My dream was that we would buy land, build a house, have chickens and a little homestead. That all sounded great in theory, but in reality it was not at all me.
You see, I am a dreamer. I literally have all kinds of ideas. I am interested in a lot of things, and I tend to relate to a lot of people. So, if I hear something that sparks life or passion, sometimes I get the idea that it’s what I should be doing too. It is dangerous for someone like me though.
This isn’t everyone’s response or life story, but I have lived for years in the cycle of comparison and finding my value in what other people are doing and thinking of me. In order to feel good about myself and what I am doing, I found myself looking for the approval of others. This was amplified by our social media culture. “How many likes did that get on facebook post? How long is it going to take her to text me back? Is she mad at me? Why wasn’t I invited to that event? Why does everyone look so great in their phone pics but I am clearly not cute?” The internal dialogue goes on and on. I was weary and run down by unhealthy friendships (one specifically) and unhealthy self talk.
My hope today is that one of you, just one, will walk away and relate to something I have said today. You see, I believe I was like many of you. Truthfully, I still am. I was on facebook, wearing multiple hats in my life, exhausted, but I felt powerless over my circumstances. I mean, isn’t this what everyone is dealing with? Isn’t this what everyone is doing?
No. The truth is no.
I tried lots of things to get in a healthy place in my life. I took social media breaks. I tried to adjust my life but I always ended up going back to what I knew, what was familiar and safe.
Binging on netflix, being addicted to my phone, the recognition and approval of others making or breaking my day, and staying busy all-the-freaking time.
I was in a really dark place in my life after about three months of living here. I was isolated from others and we were in a terrible living situation. I was also unexpectedly pregnant with our third baby. I missed my old house, my friends, and the business I had built in Atlanta. I just wanted to feel good about myself again.
I believe God allowed me to get to a place of darkness and depression after we moved here. Not because He wanted to punish me, because that’s not how God works. You see, I had been praying for years to know God more. I longed for a deeper relationship with God. I longed for more purpose in my life and a better understanding of myself but I had filled up all of my time with noise and distraction. And I was pretty comfortable there. I did have a desire to grow but I didn’t know how to get there.
I was in a really bad place about two years ago when I walked into MOPS. I didn’t know a single person here but I am an extrovert so I decided to take a step and try it. People were so nice to me and I started to build friendships here. I started blogging more about my personal life and I found it very therapeutic. I read lots and lots of self help books and I started going to counseling. I have also been in counseling for over a year now. The fact is, I was baffled when I was asked to speak today. You see, I do not have a handle on this in my life, but the difference between myself and perhaps one of you here today is, I am trying and I am making progress.
Little by little I began to take back parts of my life and myself.
You see, we cannot be best or even great at everything. We can strive to be passionate about a few things. Just a few. I was in this perpetual cycle of trying to be the best at everything. Even a freaking homestead with chickens. Hey, if that is your thing, then rock on. It’s just not mine.
Here are a few things I am passionate about.
God
My husband
My children
Motherhood
My friends (but in a healthy way not this toxic cycle I built up for years)
Good food
Photography and the arts
Here are some tips that I think are really important for all of us.
1. If social media is not healthy for you then give it up. I cannot say I know one woman who thrives on social media. I can say I know multiple women who are irritated with the amount of time they spend on it, feel hurt or frustrated by the response or lack or response of others, and just plain in simple don’t feel better when they lock their phone after scrolling through their feed. I know this is not easy. I gave up facebook a year ago and it was painfully hard to do. I would challenge you to talk with a friend, an accountability friend who won’t be mean or make you feel bad. Set a goal for yourself, share it with someone, and empower yourself. If riding yourself of social media will make you a healthier person, then do it.
2. Let’s be for each other and our differences as moms. I love what the speaker said in the video about going the same direction but being on different paths. And that is a good thing! I have all kinds of mom friends. I have a close friend who is a single mom with three kids, working her tail off to make it work. I have another friend who is on her third marriage as life did not turn out how she thought it would. Another good friend of mine goes to the gym five days a week and sends her kids to preschool. I homeschool my kids. The thing is, I do not believe what I am doing is what everyone should be doing or that I should only be around moms who are similar to me. If you think there is only one right way to do this thing called motherhood then you are missing out! God is so much bigger than that! You are the only you in the whole world! You are uniquely designed by a creator and what is in front of you is ONLY in front of you. So stop looking at “her” because God did not design you to be her. He designed you to be you and there is freedom and love in that.
3. What do you need to reassess? Is it a relationship, work, your priorities? What is one thing you can give up this year? You were not meant to do it all. I believe we all have talents and abilities that are special and meaningful, but we have to learn how to say no to good. Learn how to say no to great. Believe it or not, there is someone else out there who can get the job done. You are not the one and only person who can take on the heaviness of the world. Exhaustion, burnout, and depression follow not managing you or your time well. You don’t have to be the one who volunteers for that big event, design handmade Halloween costumes, be the friend who always has the right answer to the problem, and the list goes on. I know I have things I am going to give up this year. You see, I am not Jesus, I am not perfect and striving for this unattainable idea of the perfect mom will only drain you and hurt those that you have the ability to influence.
4. Who do you have in your life that will encourage, speak life and support you on your unique path? You were not meant to be best friends with everyone. This is a lesson I have learned constantly since I was about 10 years old. As an extrovert I can easily talk and get to know all sorts of people. I am married to an introvert and that has given me unique insight on what goes on in the minds of people who are different than me. It has also allowed me to connect with all kinds of people as my husbands traits and tenancies have rubbed off on me. Even so, I do not have room to be friends with everyone, or to fix and help everyone. I have only a small amount of room in my life for friendships. So, I have had to work to make sure these relationships are healthy. Ones where I am not always pouring out or getting drained. Friendships where I can say no or cancel and there is understanding instead of resentment. I need to be understood and built up as well as understand and build up others.
So, you may be wondering, what does this practically and tangibly look like in my former and my present life?
-When we lived in Atlanta my husband and I were involved with the high school ministry at our church, we volunteered with at risk youth, several nights a week I was teaching at a dance studio, I had a thriving photography business that took up almost every free minute I had on the weekends and the evenings, I made homemade meals every day for a family of 5, we were in a married community group with our church, I did things like knit and sew gifts for others, I had play dates with friends and their kids, tired to go on a regular date night with my husband all while maintaining the responsibilities of being a stay at home mom living in a pretty huge house. I was exhausted by my life. Heck, I am exhausted just thinking about it! Much has changed since then but I would be lying if I said I have it all figured out.
-Right now, we are not leading a community group, I have given up teaching at a dance studio, I rarely do play dates and cancel if I feel overwhelmed (even if it’s last minute), I do not knit or sew anymore. We live in a much smaller home and I still find it hard to clean. I do a limited number of photo sessions a month because I know anything more is more than I can handle. I also do not have ability to volunteer as much as I used to. Things may change with where I spend my time. Maybe as the kids get older, but the truth is, I am still figuring out what I need to give up not what I need to take on. What I have learned is similar to the woman in the video. She said she was stuck in the cycle of, “If I had this, then I would be happy”. I call it the “if-then cycle”. The facts remain, I still have three kids, a husband, and a house to clean. No matter where I live, no matter what I am doing, we still have three kids and that is hard. I still have to invest in my marriage, and juggle managing a house hold.
Ladies, I come back to being honest with you all. I am not rocking this. I am a work in progress. Many times I learn by failure. I do something or put effort somewhere that I shouldn’t have and I end up seeing the aftermath of what it did to myself and my family. I have hope that I am getting better at this but I’m not standing up here today pretending like I have it all together. Once in a job interview I was asked what my greatest weakness was. I said, “Saying no. I have a really hard time saying no.” I was hired on the spot and it was a miserable job. More on that story later. My point is, I am still not great at saying no. I have not mastered the art of having balance in my life. I am constantly being challenged by wise people to figure out what needs to go, what needs to stay and how I can give my best yes. You have to be an advocate for yourself. You have a voice, learn to use it. Only you can say what needs to stay and go. Only you can say what is too much and what is not enough.
I love this quote from Louie Gigglio, “When you say yes to something there is less of you for something else. Make sure your yes is worth the less.”
